To Mow A Rainbow

Yes, I am aware that is a stupid title for page-long nonsense.

Years go by with emptiness, but out of the blue, on what is considered a normal day, I am back to my haven, this writing platform. Of course, it had to be around 1–2 am, when I was at my weakest point of the day and when all the wreckage of living ran around my head, trying to consume my sanity.

I scrolled down for hours, reading and trying to absorb the feelings of every single word I typed years ago. I know; somewhere in between sentences lies my bare soul and emotions.

Some happy memories put me to smiles or happy tears, and some sad or depressed ones make me grateful for surviving, yet give me fear that it will come another day haunting me. Of all, I am happy for a reminder that life, though not easy, is bearable or that I am getting stronger per problem. Some days took me to my knees, but others sent me to cloud nine. It was an okay, balance life, after all.

So, what brings me back here these days, you ask? I am not sure, honestly. I may be looking for reassurance that a freaking beautiful rainbow is promised even after the darkest stormy days, some cheesy thing like that to keep me going. Maybe, I want to rant, per usual, to whine endlessly.

Or maybe I want to see how far I have been going and whether it is worth continuing down this road, or should I just take a shortcut, escape, or maybe start over? You know, the usual 2-am thought.

I am glad I have a place to “check in” like this plain platform (hopefully, it will still run for another couple of years). It is good to voice my thought through words even without saying them out loud, to entangle my anxiety, and to calm me down, especially when I do not want to make another human suffer dealing with me in this “situation”.

So yes, I had an inkling that I would be back here sometime in the future, but hopefully, for a good update after all. Fingers crossed. Smirked.