Humblebragging My 2020
I promised myself to write a proper new year’s resolution since last year (which is last month, exactly) but I could not force my procrastinate ass to do so. One thing maybe because I do not really have much to look forward to in 2021, and on another side, I do not want 2020 to really end.
As much as I want to join the bitching-about-2020 train, I gotta admit that I quite like 2020, at least now that I got to see the end of it. I mean, it totally could go worse but it did not; like I could have not finished my degree, or I could have not gone back home for Christmas or any other things. But it did not happen, I -almost- finish the degree and I am home as we speak.
Surely by the beginning of 2020, none of this pandemic scenario was in our head, it happened nevertheless, and those who got to see 2021 survived. We are survivors. Many said, for once in a million years, this new year is meant to celebrate the end of 2020 instead of the beginning of 2021. It is true, at least on my part.
I am glad that I made it to 2021, given that for a few months started from March, France got to be in lockdown and I was broken from head to toe; I was crying in the middle of the night, my sleep schedule was a wreck, and anxiety was all over my mind. However, as soon as the travel-ban lifted, life got back to almost normal; I could travel a little bit, hang out with friends, and do some summer shopping, those nightmares seemed to end.
Life went on nevertheless, I got to pick up where everything was left before the lockdown which meant a degree to pursue. The anxiety was back for a while, at the end of my internship. I did what I could at that time, not my best but I did it, anyway. Long short story, I was on the airplane heading home.
At first, it felt weird to be back home when I was not quite sure of how long and what to do next. I slept like a baby, sure. It was all about the comfortability of being home; to be taken care of. People raised questions, they always do, questions I could not answer, questions I still cannot answer. They slapped me with the reality, life must continue, that being home is just a phase, another to surpass. I was upset. I am still upset.
Mentally, I am somewhere else but physically, I am in this little town that does not hold my future whatsoever. I got to meet so many friends from elementary and junior high school, some of them I met over and over. From the meetings, I was put back to where I was years ago, where I started, and where the dreams began. Furthermore, they showed me that maybe this is where the dreams should end and put to rest, in this small city I called my hometown. I refused to accept it.
So, when people celebrating how fucked up their 2020 but they made it nevertheless, I, on the other hand, am still lost, like never before. I am even more lost than I was ever. I want to say that I made it to 2021 but I could not really celebrate it because the truth is, I still bring the burden I had since years ago; the uncertainty, the not-gonna-settle-down-yet-not-knowing attitude, classic me.
So, here I am, at the beginning of 2021 back to point zero: not knowing what to do with life all over again.
